As everyone knows November 11 is Veteran’s Day. So to honor all of our men & women who have served this nation I decided to do a live hare hash with them in mind. You bastards have caught and iced me whenever I have done a live hare event in the past. So I enlisted YTBN SCOTT & YTBN KIMBEERLY to co-hare with me. Not fully understanding the penalty of being iced when caught, and my reputation of frosting my ass, they readily agreed to help me throw flour.

After doing many nights of scouting YTBN SCOTT  and I chose The Park Tavern as our starting point. The location did limit us as far as trail was concerned. With Lake Erie directly to the north and General Electric to the west we were looking at a rather flat course with little north and south terrain available. Undaunted we devised a plan…

So Saturday is a hashing day. And Saturdays in November it rains. Unfazed by the “light” sprinkles the hashers came out to The Park to enjoy a pre trail brew. Joining the hares were YTBN SHERRIE, AYT?, VIRGIN COCKSTALKER, JALAPENIS, YTBN LAURIE, CHOCOLATE STARFISH, SHITFACE SHUTTLE, HO, PINCH A LOAF & SOGGY BOX. Traveling hashers joining Eerie were EUROPEE’AN WHORE of Nittany Valley & K.O. and TOO DRUNK of Cleveland. Right on time chalk talk was called for. As we assembled outside I nervously examined the pack for threatening FRB’s. Much to my amusement Pinch [a really freak’n fast dude] was wearing large oversized rubber boots that matched his rain jacket. No way he was going to be running 6-minute miles with those on! Next was Chocolate Starfish. While he was dressed to chase, I knew Choco was just starting to run again after that devastating broken foot suffered while pole dancing at Nittany Valley. That left visiting Europee’an Whore as a potential threat, and it wouldn’t be the worse thing to be caught by the tall blonde bimbo.
YTBN SCOTT recognized AYT?, KO, EUROPEE’AN WHORE & CHOCOLATE STARFISH as having served in uniform. While he explained the marks of the day, YTBN KIMBEERLY AND I were off with a 5-minute head start.

Now a scant 5 minutes is almost a death wish when live hare’n. Usually its 10 minutes or more. However we had a devious little plan. You see the wily hares had “dropped” off a plastic tool box 500 yards away. Inside said toolbox were dozens of red, white and blue jello shots. Everybody luvs jello shots! The toolbox was pad locked shut and cabled to a tree inside a small wooded park. During chalk talk TYBN SCOTT issued a key to the expected FRB – Chocolate Starfish. He told the pack they “wood know what the key was for when the time came”. This guaranteed that not only would the pack have to screech to a halt while fresh on the trail but that the FRB would have to wait while the DFL’s caught up.

YTBN Kimbeerly and I trotted past the jello shots and dropped a short check. After that we worked our way back down to East Lake Road in an attempt to bypass General Electric. As we headed (who said Head?) west along the road, you could see 600 yards in either direction. This was good and bad. We could see the hounds when they rounded the bend, but they could also see us as soon as they rounded the bend. We chugged down the sidewalk dropping flour and a weak check mark. A quick look over the shoulder provided incentive to pick up the pace as I spotted Chocolate Starfish 300 yards behind us. At this point I knew we only had a half a mile to go to get to the next beer stop and Chocolate wasn’t likely to close that fast. Shortly thereafter we turned north moving to the beer check.  However the veteran hasher decided to shortcut in an attempt to intercept the hares. He expected us to loop around the subdivisions to the north of East Lake Road and he wanted my ass on ice. When he went rouge he took with him Europee’an Whore and off they went through the backyards trying to ambush TYBN Kimbeerly and I. In the mean time we continued north to a small boat launch at the foot of Lakehouse Street. This is where TYBN Scott had set up a small canopy tent and awaited with cold beer and snacks. I was surprised to see Pinchy flopping down the road in his oversized rain boots. What had happened to Choco and Europee’an? Seems they outsmarted them selves shortcutting and had to back track to find flour. In doing so they found Soggy Box and took time out to play on a backyard swing set. As Soggy so well puts it “never pass up an opportunity for a good swing!” The pack began to arrive in twos and threes.  The cooler was opened and everyone found something to his or her liking. The pack drank and munched and clowned around while watching the waves of Lake Erie pounding the shore below. YTBN Kimbeerly broke out patriotic red white and blue pinwheels for the pack to play with and group photo’s ensued.

Soon it was time and the hares were away with a 10-minute head (who said head?) start. We looped through a grass field and slapped flour against some trees till we got to the street again. We then ran east till we got to the snooty Lawrence Park Golf Course. Skirting the fence we dashed south across the greens and cart paths till we got to a wooded hollow. Here we sloshed through a small creek and some shiggy till we got to a storm drain pond. Up the stairs we went to a gate in the fence, which faced East Lake Road. Our plan was to cross the road here so as we would be on the south side next to General Electric. We needed to do this cause we were crossing the outbound flour trail laid on the north side of the street. As we bounded up the stairs I joked with Kimbeerly that we need to be careful that the pack wasn’t shortcutting and back trailing. Sure as shit we had no sooner popped out onto the sidewalk and Chocolate came into view only 200 yards away. We were in deep shit and the chase was on. To make matters worse Choco correctly forecast that we would need to cross the four-lane street and beat us across. Unbeknown to Kimbeerly and I he had also predicted the next beer stop and confided in Europee’an Whore who was right behind him! At this point we had a little over a half a mile to go to the beer stop and we ran for all we were worth. Throwing flour against the trees that lined the boulevard  I kept glancing over my shoulder. Choco was not only gaining on us but the bastard was ducking between the trees as he ran in attempt to block my view of his progress. Now we neared Water Street and he was less than 100 yards back. F##ck!!! I yelled to Kimbeerly to keep going and not to look back. We sprinted across Water Street into one of the large parking lots that GE has. Four semi trucks sat at right angles to the street and behind them TYBN Scott had backed the beer wagon into a small softball field. It was gonna be close. I yelled to Kimbeerly to GO and started to drop flour for  the “B”. I had a “P” poured out when Choco slapped me on the back with a huge grin. “Gotcha” he proclaimed, however I maintained we had made it cause I had flour down. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
In the mean time Europee’an Whore had lost sight of the chase do to the low light conditions and continued straight past Water Street. She found the shot check in the park and back tracked back to The Park Tavern knowing that was were the cars were parked.
In fact the entire pack was off trail having never found the first set of marks on the second leg. Again in groups they came to the call of “Beer Near” and once again we drank and finished the patriotic jello shots. Darkness was settling fast and as soon as Europee’an Whore rejoined us, the hares were away for the final leg of trail.

This was a short hop of a ½ mile to the hasher friendly Irish Cousins Tavern. Trotting across the huge parking lot this half brained hare stepped on a small rock and rolled my ankle over onto its side. Son'na bitch that hurt!!! Now hobbling, the fear of being caught again became real. I envisioned YTBN KIMBEERLY dragging my lame ass into the bar…like a hunter dragging a dead animal home before the wolves descended.  Luckily for us it my ankle forgave me and we were able to trot into Cousins without much more trauma. Inside I ordered pictures of brew and ordered pizza and wings. After shuttling cars back and changing into dry clothes Pinchy started circle.

My recollections of circle are a bit hazy… so here goes.
Veterans, Active Service and Reserve Armed Services Members [THANK YOU]: AYT?, KO, CHOCOLATE STARFISH, EUROPEE’AN WHORE

Out of Towner’s: KO, TOO DRUNK & EUROPEE’AN WHORE

Spinning her car out and burying it in the mud while traveling to the hash: EUROPEE’AN WHORE

FRB’S: CHOCOLATE STARFISH

Missing Halloween Hash [or not being allowed back to the El Patio] KO & TOO DRUNK

Birthdays: YTBN KIMBEERLY [11/14]

Annalversaries: AYT? & YTBN SHERRIE

Losing his credit cards on trail: SWINGS BOTH WAYS

I think there were down downs issued for other infractions and everyone had an opportunity to be toasted. We entertained the regulars with song and limerick. Shitface Shuttle and YTBN LAURIE showed us how easy two people could fit into the ladies bathroom. There were a ton of pictures taken, some not so flattering. And then we ate. Later some hashers stayed and danced and drank. I think there was some issue about a bar chick complaining that one of the hashers was groping her ass. The bar tender had to come over and give us a time out, we took that as a good hint it was time to call it a night [the bar chick wasn’t that good looking anyways] I bet ya wanna know more about that, huh! Well you need to get your ass to the next hash for details.

That’s the way I remember it, so that’s the way it was. Get the feeling you missed something not being there? Well you did!!!

I am Swings Both Ways